Seeking Imperfection

Thank you for your nice comments on my last post. And thanks to Ashley for the kick in the pants and the reminder that it has been over a week since my last post, and it is time to get on with the therapeutic writing.

So here I am. I still don't have a job. It is a bad time of year to look for a teaching job. I am running out of things to apply for. I turned 37 on the 22nd, and at least I got to have my birthday off. :) Paige is turning 5 next week, and I can't believe it. Life goes on.

I am learning about myself. I am learning that I am not good with long periods of "free" time. I may not love getting up to go to work every day, but I need the routine and the schedule of it all to know what I'm "supposed" to be doing. I've realized that sometimes I even have a hard time with weekends because there is no schedule. So now I'm trying to figure out how to make a routine for myself when I'm home all the time. I'm trying to find all of those "if I only had time" projects, and get working on them, but it is still a process.

Ali Edwards has done a cool little One Little Word project for the past few years. You pick one word to focus on for the year. Last year I chose "good" but forgot about the whole process half way through the year. This year the word that popped right into my head is "try." I find I'm often afraid to try. I read a lot of blogs and books, I see projects I think I can do, but I don't try them. I am having a hard time learning to take one day at a time now, and I keep reminding myself just to "try." You get the idea.

I thought about seeing if I could try one new thing each week. I thought about a new thing each day, but that's surely setting myself up to fail. I don't even know if I can do one thing a week, but I can "try."

One thing I am trying this year is the old Project 365, taking one picture a day. I have been afraid to try this one as I've been afraid I'd beat myself up a lot if I forgot to take a picture. So far I've missed two days, and I'm trying to just let it go. Actually, one day I forgot, and on the day I lost Fidget, I was too sad. I had a gift certificate to Amazon and I ordered Project Life from Becky Higgins. I'm excited to get it. I'm going to try to get myself on some sort of schedule with it so that I still do it when I go back to work.

Here's the picture I took for January 2nd, playing with Paige in her room.



And then of course Paige needed to take one too.



And here's Fidget on January 4th.



Most of January's pictures are still on the camera. I'll have to try and upload them soon.

I've discovered that when I'm stressed or unhappy, that I don't like to post much. I've also discovered that the longer you go without posting, the harder it is to get back into it again.

Therefore I'm sure you can tell that I've been a bit stressed the last few months. I was having a hard time at work with a very critical, sarcastic supervisor, who kept belittling me, and who was doing a number on my very small amount of self confidence. Nothing I ever did was good enough, and I started feeling like I was losing ground on trying to lose the perfectionist tendencies because of it. Then in what is probably a blessing in disguise, I found out in December that I was being laid off. My last day was December 23rd. So, that coupled with the holiday season meant I was a feeling a little (ok, a lot) stressed and depressed and just a little crazy.

Trying to get signed up for unemployment was another stress - there are so many people out of work right now, I couldn't even get through to file my claim. When I finally did, they said, "why didn't you call sooner?" Grr... and then told me it would be 4-6 weeks to file the claim! So, now I'm looking for a job and I've been on a few interviews, but I'm running out of things to apply for.

To top it all off, I took my 14 year old cat to the vet last week because she was not acting right...turns out she'd had renal failure, and the most humane thing to do was to put her to sleep. I've had her longer than my husband and daughter, so it's been very hard to lose one of my best friends.

So, that's my sob story. I've been telling myself that it might be therapeutic to do some blogging, so now that I've made the first step back, maybe I can do some more soon.

Thanks for "listening."