Seeking Imperfection

Dear Paige:

Just when I'm starting to feel a little better about my perfectionism, and am not calling myself stupid all the time, I go and do something extremely stupid.

On Wednesday you and I went down to the Cape (Cape Cod) for a visit for Nana's birthday. We all went for a late evening swim. I had a beach bag that had our clothes, my watch, my camera, and my wedding rings with us. As we were leaving the beach, I believe I must have put the bag on the ground, put you in the car, and then gotten in myself, forgetting about the bag, as when we got home, I couldn't find the bag anywhere. We jumped back in the car and went right back to the beach, but the bag was gone.

When you realized that your new star shoes were in the bag, you started to get teary. I knew my wedding rings were in the bag and felt sick. Then you hugged me and told me you were sorry because it was all your fault.

"How was it your fault, honey?" I asked you.
"Because I wanted to go swimming." You replied.

Oh, my poor little girlie. I kept telling you it wasn't your fault. You realized my rings were gone, and told me on our way back to Nana's that when you grow up and get married, you're going to give me your rings. I started to really cry then. Then you told me, "except for one...I might want to keep one," and you gave me a smile.

You were absolutely wonderful for the rest of our little trip. You told me that you would keep me calm and I could keep you calm. We talked about how we could replace things, but the important thing was that nothing had happened to either of us, that I couldn't ever replace you, and that I loved you so much. You told me the same thing, that you couldn't get a new Momma and that you loved me.

If someone would have told me that when I was going through a very emotionally trying time that the person who would comfort me the most was only four and a half, I don't know if I would have believed them. And to think, just last week I was thinking about writing a post about how incredibly difficult the four year old stage has been. And now here I am, so grateful for this little girl, this little person who helped me keep my head together when I was feeling anxious, guilty, and heartbroken.

Part of my sadness came in that I was hoping one day to leave the rings to you, and I was thinking, "now I don't have anything to leave her." Isn't that stupid? This morning my therapist (Dr. Diane) was nice enough to fit me in, as I knew I was going to keep mentally beating myself up all weekend, and she told me, "you don't know that." I realized after talking to her, that the one thing I can always leave for you is stories like these - stories that show that it is the people in life that matter, not the things. I can document how much you helped me these past couple of days, and let you know how much I love and appreciate you.

I was originally thinking that I wouldn't ever want to write about this, or tell anyone about it. That I'd done something so awful that I needed to hide it. But, I'm thinking more and more that maybe I need to write about these things, to let them out, to try and figure out how to let go of the physical things, and how to hold onto the "things" in life that really do matter. I need to realize that Daddy still loves me, and that we still have a wonderful marriage, even if I don't have the physical rings. We also have a beautiful, wonderful, wise beyond her years, (although sometimes very trying) little girl.

So Paige Girlie, this one is for you. You'll never know how much you've helped your Momma over the past few days. Turns out you can learn from anyone, no matter their age. Keep that in mind my girlie. Always keep learning and growing.

I love you,
Mom