Seeking Imperfection

So many times I have a great idea for something, but never follow through. I've even gone so far as to say that I am an "idea person" or am "great at brainstorming." I love all kinds of wonderful ideas I find online, and I often think, "I could do that," and yet I never do. My perfectionism tends to keep me from going forward. "If I can't do it perfectly, then why bother?" Lately I've been having to tell myself over and over that doing something is better than doing nothing. For example, isn't it better to have an imperfect present for your husband for Father's Day, then none at all?

A couple of weeks before Father's Day, I saw this great idea for a present at Alpha Mom - a super hero kit. There were fun labels to download and adhere to favorite snacks that turn them into "hero snacks."

I thought how much my super hero comic loving husband would enjoy this gift. Then I thought about how the wonderful free label downloads are in color, and I don't have any color ink. I thought about how they used a fancy wooden photograph box to package everything, and how it was highly unlikely that I would get around to finding something similar (or want to pay for it). I thought about how all the snacks are in beautiful little glassine envelopes, and how I probably wouldn't manage to find those either.

But I knew that my husband would really love this idea, and I "forced" myself to print out the labels in black and white and just go to the store, by some of his favorite snacks, and stick the labels on the fronts with scotch tape. I then hunted around for a box that all the stuff would fit in, and ended up with a big cardboard box that had held chemicals for the pool in it, and shoved them all in there. I also added a new beach towel (super hero cape) and almost let myself freak out about not having a cute tag for it that would match everything else. Instead I put Paige to work making a tag for it that we stuck to it. I also was able to snag a superhero shirt to add in.


(speaking of imperfection, why the heck is this picture sideways?!? Oh well, better something than nothing...)

I got Paige to help me stick everything in the box and tape the box closed, and then had her add a couple of star stickers to it. She fully enjoyed the process and was so excited to give the gift to him, and isn't that really what it's all about?

Dear Blog:

I had no idea it had been over a month since I last visited you. You poor neglected thing, you!

I can only say I'm sorry - I have been very stressed since school began, and have been a little bit depressed by the way my year is progressing so far. It has been very difficult for me to find the time and energy to write.

I first got into a slump in mid-August when I lost my wedding rings. Then, as school began and I've been having all kinds of work related problems, I have just slumped even more.

I am almost embarrassed to admit, my dear blog, that I have been seeing other people's blogs, but not you! I tend to think that other people are more interesting and have more and better things to share with their blogs, than I have to share with you. Seems like I have a problem with perfectionism or something! Then the more I stay away, the harder it is to come back to you. I start to feel like I need to have an even more interesting thing to post, to explain to you where I've been.

I'm going to try to visit you more often, my dear blog, and try my hardest to come back out of my slump. Thanks for waiting for me this past month.

Your friend,
Michie

I've been intrigued for awhile by the idea of any one of the versions of Project 365 in which you take a picture a day for a year. Knowing my perfectionist tendencies though, I've been afraid to commit to doing this, as I'm afraid I'll beat myself up if I say I'll do this and then forget or start slacking.

Then a couple of weeks ago I had an idea - I'll start slowly by trying to take a picture every day of the summer, as identified as Memorial Day to Labor Day. The problem is now trying not to be a perfectionist about what album I choose, or picking just one photo for the day, or even about the photos themselves. This is going to be a challenge for me.

Even though I'd planned to start on Memorial Day, I have a couple of cute ones from Saturday and Sunday too, so I think I'll start there.


Saturday, May 23, 2009.
Playing on the deck in a bucket of water.



Sunday, May 24, 2009
Being artsy in my backyard.



and here's where I already have trouble choosing one photo to represent the day. So here's picture number two - Paige and her quarters (she's been getting a quarter every day she feeds the cats in the morning) that she used to go buy a beta fish. She got a red fish, named it Ariel, and insists it is a girl (even though it is not.) Poor gender confused fishie.



Monday, May 25, 2009
I've already posted this one, but I love it. New sandals, and she's wearing pajamas too, by the way, to go out and play.



Tuesday, May 24, 2009
Only a couple days in and I didn't have a picture! I knew this would happen. So I had Roland take one of us.



Wednesday, May 27, 2009
Paige has been having trouble with constipation, and thus is scared to poop on the potty. She tried on Wednesday, so we made a big deal out of it and made Pillsbury Cinnabon Cookies. "I tried to poop on the potty cookies" didn't sound so appetizing, so Michelle suggested "Courage Cookies." I like that and think it might be something to do every time we do something courageous around here. We'll see.



Thursday, May 28, 2009
I took Paige to story time at the library. The local library is having a story night every Thursday for a few weeks, and the stories are being read by "local leaders." Tonight's story was read by a fireman. To explain the first picture - last summer, I think it was, Paige fell down in the library parking lot. To stop her crying, I brought her over to these flowers outside the library door, and told her they were "Feel Better Flowers." They've been the Feel Better Flowers to her ever since - she tells me all the time she wants to smell the Feel Better Flowers. Tonight she wanted to smell each one, and helped me to take this picture.



Picture number two:
The fireman read two books about dragons (as they breathe fire) and then a book about firemen. Then the kids did a craft, making a really cute fire breathing dragon.



Friday, May 29, 2009
I had a bad day at work, and didn't have a picture yet, so I asked Roland if we could go get ice cream and took this blurry photo there. I'm thinking I don't want all of the pictures to be of people or events, I want some to be objects or items that represent the day.



So I've actually followed through for one week! Wish me luck for week two.

Sometimes being imperfect is just plain fun. As a perfectionist, this is hard for me to accept, but I must. My daughter, for one, seems to love my imperfect ideas more than my "perfect" ones.

One day, over a year ago, Roland and I needed to run out and do an errand unexpectedly in the early evening. Paige was already in her pajamas, and was saying something about how could we go out when she was in her jammies already. So, I started using my excited Momma voice, and told her she was going to do something extra special - go on a "jammie car ride!" Paige thought this was the coolest thing, and asks to go on jammie car rides all the time. As she's not in school yet and spends the day with my mother-in-law, it even works out when she wants to go on a "jammie car ride" every morning.



One of Paige's other favorite activities came from a moment of frustration on my part. Before we moved, our house was always very disorganized and chaotic (working on this in the new house). One day, when trying to get us ready and out the door, I was going through piles of laundry and could not find two matching socks for her to save my life. So, I finally grabbed two random socks, and told Paige it was "silly sock day." She LOVED it! Along with being a perfectionist, I can be a bit OCD, and it did bug me a little that the socks didn't match, but it was bugging me more that we needed to get out of the house. From then on, we had many silly sock days.


Oddly enough, since we've moved, Paige has always had matching socks, and I haven't really thought of silly sock day. The other day when we were getting ready to go outside, she asked if we could have silly sock day, and before I knew it, she was purposely unballing (I think I just made that word up) two different sets of socks, and picked one from each. She was thrilled to do silly sock day again, and asked me again this morning if I could put on silly socks with her jammies as she got ready to go to Grandma's.

Apparently sometimes being perfect and having matching socks isn't all it's cracked up to be.

Dear Paige,

I am beginning to think you are in my life to help me mend my perfectionist ways. Someday you may know about all the blogs, websites, and books that I read, looking for activities for us to do together. You may or may not eventually realize that you almost never complete a project the way these resources tell me you will. You do not care much about how I've presented a project to you, but instead care about what you want to do with the resources in front of you. I dearly do not want you to inherit my perfectionism, so I sit on my hands and bite my tongue to keep myself from telling you how something is "supposed to be done."



For example, on Sunday I was showing you how to glue little scraps of tissue paper onto a pickle jar to create a candle holder. You seemed to be enjoying the activity, but you didn't just want the little pieces of tissue I had cut for you. You wanted to cut your own pieces, with your scissors. You didn't just want the bowl of watered down glue I'd given you, you wanted me to hand you the glue bottle so that you could squeeze increasing amounts into the bowl. Then you wanted me to cut long strips that you could wind around the jar, instead of just using the little squares that I had provided.



Try as I might not to, on these occasions I always think how no one on the blogs, websites, or books I've read talk about children who won't want to follow the directions or use your materials as they've been provided...and really, what does it matter? So I listen to you, and cut a long, slim piece of red tissue paper for you (your favorite color) and you wind it all the way around the glass and paint it on. Afterward, you look at what you've done, smile, and say, "Look how beautiful it is." Would you have reacted like that if I'd forced you to only use my sad little squares of paper? If I'd told you that my way was the only way? Probably not.



I hope you will continue to challenge me, little one. Help me to see outside the lines. Help me to see that some things do not need to be done the way the directions say, or be the way I feel it it is "supposed" to be. I warn you, I may be resistant at first, but I want you to know I'm trying. I want to learn not to let the little things matter so much to me, and to see the beauty in my own ideas and creations, as I do in you.



I love you,
Momma

I'm falling back into my perfectionist ways.

If I don't feel like I have anything "interesting" to post (which is most of the time), I don't post.

If I don't feel like I can get a post written the way I want it to be (interesting with just the right amount of wit, of course), I don't post.

If I don't have a chance to get the picture just right for the post, I don't post. (Case in point, I have had a post in draft for a couple of weeks waiting for me to get around to putting in a picture.)

If I'm exhausted (which has been the case lately) or lazy or bored or any number of other things, I read all kinds of blogs, but I don't post.

Needless to say, I'm not posting. I'm in a perfectionist rut, and I need help to get out. My motto for my students and my daughter is that what is important is "the process, not the product."

Now if only I could figure out how to practice what I preach.

Last year around this time, I was reading this book about what Flylady calls "Body Clutter." The book really spoke to me. I realized I have a lot of body clutter. I also realized for the first time just how much my all or nothing perfectionist attitude was hurting me. I realized that I needed to try and work on the perfectionism. To learn to let go, and to learn that sometimes good enough is good enough.

Around the same time, I discovered blogs for the first time. I stumbled across Boo Mama's Tour of Homes and was immediately enthralled. I soon began to think that I wanted a blog too. I began to think that maybe I could blog about my goal of trying to curb my perfectionism. And so I began to blog.

2008 then did not turn out at all as expected. In fact, it turned out to be a pretty sucky year, one that I was very excited to see leave at midnight on December 31st. Now I will admit that buying my first home was a wonderful thing, and I also managed to graduate from grad school and finally get my teacher's license, and those are wonderful things that 2008 gave me. However, there was so much struggle in 2008 - I'm ready to stop struggling. I'm tired.

I'm not very good at resolutions. I often feel like I'm setting myself up to fail, probably because almost every year of my life I've wanted it to be the year that "I lose weight." I've struggled with my weight my whole life, and so that's always the resolution. But that isn't really a resolution. That's kind of just a demand I'm putting on myself when I look at it - one that I then tell myself that I've "failed" at. So this year I'm not going to resolve.

Last year I came across some blogs that talked about learning new skills or setting goals for the new year. I like that idea much better. I thought that this year I might actually try and make some of the recipes I tend to collect but never do anything with. I thought about setting a goal of creating one new recipe a week to take part in my friends' venture. But I am pretty sure that I won't actually do one a week, and that is again setting myself up for failure. So if I'm more honest, I think maybe I just need to try to do some at all. Maybe one a month?

I also decided that what I really need to do this year is to forgive myself more, and give myself permission to fail. I think part of why it is hard for me to try new things, (although I really do enjoy learning) is I'm afraid of failing at them. I often tell myself that if I'm not perfect at it right away, not a "natural" at it, that I shouldn't do it. So I decided this year I need to try to work on easing up on myself a little. Give myself permission to try and fail, and then try again.

I came across Ali's One Little Word concept for a new year. Basically, you pick one word to inspire you for the year. I, of course, came up with a list of several, and have had a hard time narrowing it down. Enjoy, Relax, Breathe, Simplify, Release, Median, Allow, Home, Grow, Mindful, Moment, Dare, and Focus all made my list.

I finally decided to choose Good. I thought it fit in with curbing my perfectionism - learning that sometimes good enough is good enough. Also, I want to be good to myself and take good care of myself. I want to look for the good in others and take time to enjoy the good things in life. 2008 was a sucky year, and overall I'm hoping that 2009 will be a good one. It doesn't have to be perfect, wonderful or great.

Right now, I'll just be happy with good.

There has always seemed to be two distinct sides to my personality.

One side loves to learn new things. I suppose that's why I'm already missing school a little bit, even though I'm relieved to be done with my Master's program.

The other side, however, is the perfectionist side, the all or nothing side, that often ruins things for me. That's the side of me that takes the fun out of learning new things, makes me compare what I'm doing to what others are doing, and if I don't measure up in my mind, tries to tell me to quit. Sometimes I'm afraid to even try, thinking what it'll be like if it doesn't turn out the way I think it should.

I'm trying more and more lately to push myself into trying things, and to change my mind set that it is ok to do something you enjoy, even if you aren't the best at it. Writing in my blog is one of them!

I've always enjoyed taking pictures, especially since I first got a digital camera and could take a million pictures and see what they looked like right away. However, I'm not very good at it. Roland takes much better pictures, and it has always frustrated me that I can take a hundred pictures and not get what I want, and call him over and with a quick snap and a, "there you go," he's produced the picture I wanted so badly. It makes me want to give up.

But, I'm trying really hard to tell myself to keep trying. I've been reading a lot of tips on blogs (I so love blogging) for first time photographers, and the number one tip is to take tons and tons of pictures. So while we were doing the Unplugged Project on Sunday, I followed my favorite little subject around and just kept taking pictures, trying new angles and other ideas all the lists for "taking better pictures" suggested.

Roland and I both like how this one turned out, although he pointed out that her bum is hanging out. Now I need to learn editing too!





There's something about this photo I really like, even though I'm disappointed it came out so blurry. Blurry is my number one problem with picture taking.



Some of the tips say to try taking pictures from behind. This worked good on this day because you could see the pretty french braid that Roland's mom put in her hair. Another thing for me to learn.



Some of the tips suggested filling the frame with the person you were taking the picture of. I'm so glad I tried it - these two aren't the best pictures in the world but I'm in love with them.





After showing Roland my "photo shoot" with Paige, he said that maybe he should have a photo shoot with her. Part of me wants him to because I know he'll get some beautiful shots. And part of me doesn't want him to because I know he'll get some beautiful shots.