Seeking Imperfection

Dear Paige,

I am beginning to think you are in my life to help me mend my perfectionist ways. Someday you may know about all the blogs, websites, and books that I read, looking for activities for us to do together. You may or may not eventually realize that you almost never complete a project the way these resources tell me you will. You do not care much about how I've presented a project to you, but instead care about what you want to do with the resources in front of you. I dearly do not want you to inherit my perfectionism, so I sit on my hands and bite my tongue to keep myself from telling you how something is "supposed to be done."



For example, on Sunday I was showing you how to glue little scraps of tissue paper onto a pickle jar to create a candle holder. You seemed to be enjoying the activity, but you didn't just want the little pieces of tissue I had cut for you. You wanted to cut your own pieces, with your scissors. You didn't just want the bowl of watered down glue I'd given you, you wanted me to hand you the glue bottle so that you could squeeze increasing amounts into the bowl. Then you wanted me to cut long strips that you could wind around the jar, instead of just using the little squares that I had provided.



Try as I might not to, on these occasions I always think how no one on the blogs, websites, or books I've read talk about children who won't want to follow the directions or use your materials as they've been provided...and really, what does it matter? So I listen to you, and cut a long, slim piece of red tissue paper for you (your favorite color) and you wind it all the way around the glass and paint it on. Afterward, you look at what you've done, smile, and say, "Look how beautiful it is." Would you have reacted like that if I'd forced you to only use my sad little squares of paper? If I'd told you that my way was the only way? Probably not.



I hope you will continue to challenge me, little one. Help me to see outside the lines. Help me to see that some things do not need to be done the way the directions say, or be the way I feel it it is "supposed" to be. I warn you, I may be resistant at first, but I want you to know I'm trying. I want to learn not to let the little things matter so much to me, and to see the beauty in my own ideas and creations, as I do in you.



I love you,
Momma

You may have noticed that I've been a wee bit quiet this week.

I've been pretty tired - this was my last week to finish up the standardized test portfolios that I have to do for my students. I turned them in on Thursday, and the assistant principal thought they looked so good she rewarded the nurses and me with a box of Girl Scout Cookies. Oh how I love thin mints.

The other crazy thing in my life is of course the whole house thing. We were told that it could take up to 30 days for the bank to make a decision about our offer. Then we were told that the bank could take 60 days. Then we were told that the whole process of buying the house could take 60 days. It is just so overwhelming. We were supposed to be out by May 15th, which is this coming Thursday. We sent the landlord a letter that it just wasn't possible, as we were still waiting on this house thing. He said that they were closing on where we are living now on May 30th. He said that our lovely neighbors said a condition of the sale was that we have to be out, or they won't close. So, I don't know if we'll be ready to move by the 30th, but now I feel like I need to or they'll lose their sale. Roland could care less if their sale falls through, and now we are all tense. I just would like to know where I'm moving and get it done already.

So between those two things in my life I've been a little tired. I have also been suffering a bit from perfectionism writer's block. I'm having a hard time thinking of what to write about in here. I know that I end up making it be too big a deal - I keep thinking about what a great post topic would be, one that everyone will love. Then I forget that I am mainly blogging for me. So, there I go getting stressed out over something that's supposed to be fun again. LOL

So, I guess my question is, how do you come up with ideas of what to blog about? Do you just blog about whatever comes to mind, or do you have a greater plan?

Oh, and to all of you Mom's out there, Happy Mother's Day!

Well, with talk of storytellers and unplugged books, it seems like a good time to share some of the fun of the Imperfect Classroom, and some of the many book related activities we do. I thought maybe there would be some other book project ideas someone might be interested in. I read a LOT at school. I try to read all different kinds of things. This year is my first year working for a public school, and I have students in two different grades. I've been trying to read some of the books that they are reading at each grade level, but I also read books more at Paige's level, as some of my students are developmentally younger than her. I try to mix it up as much as I can and expose them to as much as possible. For instance, April is National Poetry Month, so I've been reading poems by Shel Silvestein (a childhood favorite) and Jack Prelutsky every day.

One new thing I tried this year that everyone seems to be enjoying is the idea of the "Author of the Month." A friend of mine teaches kindergarten, and she said that every Wednesday she would do an author study. She'd do one author each month, and they would spotlight a different book by that author each week. As my students need a lot more repetition, I decided to make this the overall theme for my class this year. Each month I pick a different author, and we talk a little about the author and read stories by that person all month. We started with Eric Carle in September, and we discussed how he's both an author and an illustrator. We learned a little about collage and how he makes his pictures. Then each month we've taken on a different author. It has been fun to have the nurses in my room suggest authors that they like too, and it gets them interested in what we are doing too. So far we have done Eric Carle, Laura Numeroff, Doreen Cronin, Jan Brett, Bill Martin Jr., David Shannon, Dr. Seuss, and this month's author is Patrica Polocco.

Patricia Polocco was a suggestion by one of the nurses in my room. I didn't know much about her prior to this, but I have really been enjoying her books. I came across a video interview with her here and it was interesting to discover that most of her stories are ones passed down from her grandmother and are based on her family. It seemed to be perfect timing to go along with our tap dancer the other day, who told a story about his grandmother, and suggested the kids go search out the stories from their grandparents.

I often work a craft, recipe, or other activity in during the month to go with the books we are reading. Last week we read John Philip Duck, a book about a boy who works in a hotel and brings his duck to work, and eventually trains him and others to walk down to the hotel fountain and swim in it to the delight of the guests to a John Philip Sousa march. I'd never read the book but it was really cute and we all enjoyed it. To go along with the duck theme, I we made Touch and Feel Ducks.

The crafts the students make always look pretty good as they are done "hand-over-hand," meaning that an adult does the majority of the work, but tries to do the project with the student as much as possible, usually by helping him to feel the different textures, and ask for choices, "do you want this or this?" etc. Then the adult would help to move the student's hands to glue, etc.


I decided this project looked like something Paige would enjoy, and brought the materials home for her to try one too. Well, Paige doesn't need me to help her physically, so hers looks quite different. It took all I had not to tell her she wasn't doing it right. (I mean come on, what duck has it's eyes under the bill??) I keep telling myself that if I tell her what to do and tell her it isn't right, I'll take away the enjoyment of activities like this for her. So, she's my little Picasso in training, apparently.


I also took a John Philip Sousa CD out of the library to play for the kids in my class, so they'd have an idea of what I'm talking about in the story. I try to supplement my stories with props as much as I can, because my kids don't have the same opportunities to experience things that other students do. When we read Chicka Chicka Boom Boom, for example, I realized that they might not even know what a coconut was, so I brought one in for them to feel and experience first hand.

I've been thinking it might be fun for me to try to do some Unplugged Theme projects in the classroom too. I thought it might give me some different inspiration for activities with Paige and with my students. Books are an easy place to start since I love them and always incorporate them into everything I do.

This is my first try at participating in Unplug Your Kids' Unplugged Project. Every week, a new theme is given, such as red, toothpicks, or fabric, leaving readers and their children to interpret anyway they want. Everyone then signs up at the Unplugged Blog, and you can see everyone's different ideas of how to do the theme. We are far from Unplugged in our house - in fact, Paige is watching Little Einsteins while I type this. But, I do like attempting to do projects with her, and I love the idea of a theme, and seeing what everyone comes up with for that idea. I've always found the idea of giving a group of people the same items interesting. They always come up with unique ideas.

This week's theme was music. First, Paige and I danced. However, seeing as I got the music by turning on the TV and using one of the all music stations that my cable company provides, I figured that it probably didn't count as being Unplugged. I had a great idea though - to make a rainstick with her. I used the directions from Enchanted Learning, but then I also consulted a video of the project from Sprout's Good Night Show. That girl made it look so easy! However, I found out that it wasn't so easy for perfectionism.

First, Paige and I decorated a paper towel tube with stickers. They were alphabet stickers, and I let Paige pick what letters to use and stick them on. Next, my directions said to cut out a circle of paper to cover the ends. Easy enough. One set of directions told me to glue the circle on, one said to tape it. I figured tape would be easier and less messy. However, no matter how much I tried, I could not tape the paper on! The tape would not stick! Michelle helped me out, and we tried a couple different kinds of tape, and nothing worked. Now I was starting to get frustrated and mad at myself. How come nothing ever works right for me? I started to think. Michelle went and got some Saran Wrap and my rubber band ball. She had Paige pick a colored elastic and helped her put Saran Wrap over the first end. Paige and I then followed the rest of the directions, and put Saran Wrap and elastics over the other end. This seemed to work well, but when I shook it, a lot of the rice got stuck in between the Saran Wrap and the end of the tube, and you had to push it back in. Also, the tube wasn't keeping it's shape at one end - the rubber bands squished it shut. This was really irking my perfectionism.

I have a hard time when things don't go the way I planned for them to go. It is often hard for me to "change gears." This makes it hard for me to do things with a 3 year old sometimes, because things almost never go the way I had planned, and I want to make sure she doesn't become a perfectionist like me, so I try to go with the flow. But during this project I'm sure she saw I was frustrated that it wasn't coming out the way it was "supposed" to. Michelle then reminded me of the motto I use for my classroom, taken from Maryann Kohl's books - that it is the "Process, not the Product." (Darn her for being a logical friend.) She's right. I know she's right. The finished product doesn't have to be "perfect." It doesn't have to look just like any picture. The important part is that Paige and I did it together, and that we had fun. I just wish that wasn't so hard for me to remember sometimes. I just wish I didn't immediately get all stressed out about every little thing.

How do you deal with things when they don't go as planned? Anyone have any tips for how I can "let go" of having Paige and I do "perfect projects?"

I realized recently that I don't think I know how to keep a journal.

This is funny if you were to know that I have kept an online journal in one way, shape or form for about eight years now. I started one on a wedding board, where the journal was about planning my wedding. I met several friends through that board, and when the board closed the journal section, we bounced around the web together, and have been chatting since.

The problem is that I know that I like to read other people's journals - and now their blogs - better than I like to write in my own. The reason is that I usually think that other people's lives are more interesting than mine. I often feel that when I am "journaling" I have to "entertain." I often will post in other people's journals but won't update mine, because I don't have an entertaining post. I suppose that isn't really the point of journaling.

Seeing as I am great at analyzing a subject to death, I did a little research this morning about "how to keep a journal." The articles I read suggested, mainly just writing or typing about whatever. It seems so simple and like a "Duh" kind of thing, so why is it so hard for me? Why do I think all of my posts have to be Pulitzer Prize winning material?

I spoke to Roland about this dilemma last night, and he said that a blog is meant to entertain. So then I got worried and figured I wasn't doing it "right," and that I wasn't being entertaining. I told him I was upset because I wasn't getting very many comments, so I must be doing something wrong. His response? "Why do you care?"

Why do I care? I don't know. It must be rooted to the need I've had my entire life to have people like me. I don't care who they are, or if I like them or not, but for some reason I want everyone I've ever met to like me. "Oh Michelle? She's so nice, isn't she? She's such a sweetheart..." etc, etc. I know that this possibly makes me sound quite vain, but it really is something that I've struggled with my whole life. I hold myself to impossibly high standards - standards I would never hold anyone else to, and then I get mad at myself when I can't reach them.

I am going to try and loosen up on myself, and blog just for myself. Although I do hope to make some bloggy friends and hope that you all enjoy what I write...I am going to try to learn to write for me as well. Wish me luck.

I think I've said before that I'm a very visual person. I also have ADD. That said, this blogging thing can be a little addicting and overwhelming to me. I find I click on this link and then that one, and then someone's blog links me to someone else's, and I see all these wonderful ideas, and I just can't get enough crafty clever ideas. But of course, clicking here there and everywhere, I can never remember where I saw what I liked. And half the time, I'll never try anything...I'll just "mean to do it."

I pull articles out of magazines all the time, of things I like, things I think I'll try. I do the same with recipes. I have a TON of recipes, but Roland does the cooking. I do like to bake, but half the time I just show him recipes - "doesn't that sound good?" "I bet I could make that." Then I file it away somewhere, but I don't do anything with it. In that way, I am such a collector. I collect ideas for activities I could do with Paige, or with my kids at school, but we rarely do these things. I spend most of my time online or in books looking for more. Looking for bigger, better. I tend to obsess over looking for the "right" thing to do. And when I do want to bake something? I will obsess over looking for the "right" thing to make, and will go looking for something new, even though I have all of these recipes saved.

I often find myself asking for permission. I ask Roland, "if I make a recipe, and it doesn't turn out very good, is that ok?" But then I still don't try it. I'm not sure if I'm afraid of not being perfect, or what exactly stops me. I am sometimes afraid of wasting time or money, but I don't think that's it exactly. I have said many times that I should put all my things I collect together in a binder or something, but then I ask Roland or Michelle, "does that make me a dork?" I'm so worried about things like that...and I really wish I wasn't.

So when I started with my 2008 goal of imperfection, I started putting some of my magazine pullings into a binder. Of course I didn't get too far with that - I've got to get myself back on track there, so there aren't just magazine clippings all over the house. :) I am determined to not care if this makes me a dork. I am determined to not care if just looking at recipes and not making them makes me a dork - as long as I can be happy with the fact that I just like to look at them, and not be afraid to make them.

Anyway, I started out with this long, rambling post, wondering how all of you organize the millions of ideas that you must see on all of these wonderful blogs. How do you decide what you'd like to try? How do you organize things for later? I know bookmarking doesn't work for me - then I end up with a million little bookmarks and I can never remember what they are for or why I bookmarked the page. (More joys of ADD.) I am also looking for any ideas of how to push yourself to try something, and how to pick something. I am an all or nothing gal - if I can't decide what to do, I won't do anything, and that doesn't make me happy either.

Any ideas would be appreciated, and if you read all of this, thanks. I am trying to push myself to blog for myself, about what I need to blog about, and not worry so much about making "perfect" posts and getting tons of comments, because that isn't the point of trying to be imperfect, now is it? :)

I was just loading Paige into her car seat, telling her to be nice to Daddy because he was feeling sick. She told me that Daddy, Momma, Aunt Michelle, and Paige were all sick. And she's right. We have some sort of nasty stomach thing going on here at our house, and it has made every one of us miserable. I'm very happy to be on school vacation this week, and that Grandma has recovered enough from her bout of whatever it is to take Paige today so I can read blogs rest.

The hard part with Paige not feeling well is that she is normally a VERY high energy child, and it is hard keeping her still to get some rest. On Saturday I finally got around to doing something I've been "meaning to do" forever - I got out a box of instant rice and let her play with it. Paige loves to dig and shovel, and the rice was a huge hit - and also kept her from digging in the bucket of ice melt, which was her original idea. Of course, I do have rice all over the place, but for the child who can't seem to sit still for more than 5 minutes at a time, the rice kept her busy most of the day. She even took a nap, woke up, and her first words were, "Momma, can I play with the rice?"

I know there are other fun foods to play with, beans being one of them. I mentioned to my friend Michelle that maybe I'd get some beans for her, but I'd need a place to put them. She said, "you can put them in with the rice." I said, "Well, I could, but then the beans would be mixed in with the rice." She told me yes...it is about feeling different textures. I agreed with her, but said, "yes, different textures...rice with rice, and beans with beans." She asked me if this was the same problem as with the Floam. She told me that it was another perfectionist thing, not to mix my rice and beans. Can't a person just enjoy rice and beans separately without being a perfectionist?

Sigh.

Here I thought I was doing so good - finally doing one of my "meaning to do" things, and I get labeled as a perfectionist again. Oh well, at least Paige was happy. :)

Hello all.

I have been playing around with the look of my blog, as you can probably tell. I don't know much about writing any kind of code, but I do know how to cut and paste, and that, as it turns out, is enough to use a template. :)

The problem is, although I like the new look (I didn't like having a boring generic template) I've already received one comment that the white on black is too hard to read, and therefore that reader may not come around as often. Now I have spent the last fifteen minutes or so trying to figure out how to change fonts and text colors and all of that sort of stuff so that the page isn't annoying, and I am beginning to wonder if I was succumbing to my own perfectionism problem, trying to get the look "perfect," or if I was actually trying to make the blog easier to read.

Anyway, I figured at this point I better quit while I'm ahead, or I could be up all night obsessing about this. I'll probably be thinking about it all night anyway!

Not so long ago, I would have denied being a perfectionist. I would have gestured to how chaotic my house is, and said that no one who lived in so much chaos could be a perfectionist. It is only recently that I realized that being a perfectionist can mean that if I can't do it "right," I won't do it at all. Often, if I don't think I'll be good at something the first time, I won't try it. You can see how this means I often don't get a lot done. I'm very hard on myself, and the bar for perfection is so high, I don't think I can see it, nevermind reach it. My daughter will be three in the beginning of February, and it is because I don't want to pass this trait on to her, that I am really working at becoming an "imperfectionist," if you will.

Here's how crazy I'm am. My best friend, Michelle, lives with my husband, Paige, and myself. As we are working on the potty training thing right now, Michelle made a potty chart for "Princess Paige." Paige is all about the Disney Princesses right now - especially Ariel. So Michelle made a potty chart for her with Ariel on it and little Flounder stickers that she earns when she sits on the potty - on her Disney Princess potty seat, of course - for a minute. The chart is set up with rows and columns. Michelle told her that when there is a sticker in each square, she can get a surprise. Paige loves stickers, so this was fun for her. Things were going well until she started sticking the stickers - anywhere she wanted! For some reason, in my mind, you fill in one square, then the next, and the next, until you get to the end of a row, and then you start a new row. You don't just stick your Flounder stickers on the chart pell mell! I mean, she put a sticker right in the middle, for crying out loud! Then she put a sticker at the top of the chart, covering the picture of Ariel Michelle had put there. Now that's just craziness, people.

The scary part is I caught myself about to tell her to "do it right." Do it right?? Who lectures an almost three year old about the right way to complete a potty chart?? I must be out of my mind. And that, dear internet readers, is why I'm working to tame my evil perfectionist ways.

On a side note - I almost didn't post this, as I wanted to include a picture of the aforementioned potty chart. I tried to get a picture of it a couple of times last night, and I couldn't get it to come out right. So then of course this post wouldn't be right without a professional style picture of a potty chart, right???

I think I am losing my mind.

Right.