Thursday, July 17, 2008

Things are not going well.

In March we discovered that our landlord was selling our house and we needed to be out by May 15th.

We found a house we liked, and put in an offer. The bank was involved with the house and had to approve our offer. We found out it could be awhile. So we waited, and waited.

Memorial Weekend we had a marathon cleaning and packing session, filling a POD with most of our belongings. We had to leave several pieces of furniture behind, and we threw away quite a bit. We'd become overrun with clutter, and the whole process was very emotional.

Afterward, we moved into the third floor apartment of my sister-in-law's home and waited for the bank.

Last week the bank came back with a counter offer - $70,000 over what the owners had listed it for. We don't have that. The house isn't worth that.

This past Saturday we went out and found a new place we like. We were getting ready to make an offer today, when the mortgage guy calls and says there's a problem. Seems he was looking at our file and needed to update it because it's been a few months. The market is changing, he says, and he's not sure we'll still be approved for a mortgage. A few hours later we find out we aren't approved - but we would be if I made a couple thousand more a year.

I feel like doors are being slammed in my face wherever I turn and I don't know why. I've been telling Paige that we are looking for our new house, that we are going to find her a room (she didn't have her own room before) that we can decorate with Ariel. She's been excited to find it and excited to get her toys out of the Pod.

I think she'd be fine living here with her family, but she doesn't understand why if we are in our new place, why we can't get her things. I just keep telling her the new house isn't ready yet. After I hung up with the mortgage guy tonight I broke down into tears - sobs, actually. I feel like a failure as a mother. I shouldn't have told her I'd find her own room. I can't take care of my family. These are some of the fears that I choked out to Michelle while I cried.

I know I should be grateful. We are all together. We are healthy, we are happy, we have a roof over our heads, even if it isn't the one we imagined. I know I am very lucky to have family who could and did help us out. But it is still hard, and I keep fighting back tears whenever I think about it. I'm not sure what's going to happen to us.

I've heard of gratitude journals, where you jot down something you are grateful for that day, large or small. I've also seen this done on several blogs. I've also seen a few blogs post lists of things that makes the blogger happy. I've been thinking for awhile that I would like to start making some happy/grateful posts. I wonder if I'll be better about typing these things up then I would be about writing them in a notebook. We shall see.

In any event, here's the first thing I am grateful for. I am grateful for this little girl who came upstairs while Momma was sobbing. I am grateful for this little girl who sat in my lap with her Taggie blanket and Brown Bear, hugging me while I cried. I am grateful for this little girl who told me I was going to be ok.

I love you so much, my beautiful little girlie. I am so happy and grateful to have you with me.

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11 comments: to “ Happy/Grateful

  • Melissa
    July 18, 2008 at 12:56 AM  


  • Michie
    July 18, 2008 at 6:56 AM  

    Thanks. I needed that.

  • CortneyTree
    July 18, 2008 at 9:02 AM  

    I'm so so sorry your home search is going this way--even when it goes as planned it's one of the most frustrating experiences ever. But it's certainly worth being grateful to have your daughter there to remind you that, no matter what, it's going to be okay. Whether you have to rent a new place before you can buy or stay where you are a while longer while you look for ways to boost your income, you can know that you will always have her, that she is not judging you, never thinks of you as a failure when you see yourself that way, and that no matter what, you really ARE doing the best for your family. So, virtual hugs from me as well, and I join Paige in saying it'll be OK!

  • So Smrt
    July 18, 2008 at 3:25 PM  

    My girlie comes to me when I cry and says, "It's okay, Mommy."

    It's okay to be sad about your situation even when you are thankful and lucky at the same time. They are not mutually exclusive. If they were, you could cure every little sadness with money, and we all know that you can't do that. We are complex creatures...you are sad for your baby not having her toys, which is perfectly understandable. And it is just painful to not be settled, especially for a mommy who likes to nest.

    I'm hoping you can find more beauty in this day, and some day to day peace and patience.

  • tyketto
    July 19, 2008 at 7:05 PM  

    I'm echoing everyone else. I love shopping for homes but dislike the actual paperwork and the mortgage people, etc. I think they are all more or less slime. But you should not think of yourself as a failure. Things happen for a reason. You will get a house, with a room for your little girl and it will be great. It is just going to take a bit more time to find it. Best of luck to you! I'm thinking happy thoughts for you, Beth

  • Heidi
    July 19, 2008 at 11:56 PM  

    ((Michie)) Wow, that's rough. Finding a home is such an overwhelming process even in the best of situations. I'm proud of you for finding things to be grateful for!

    You asked about the advent board that was pictured over at Simple Mom. I wanted to let you know that someone asked about it in the comments over there and I replied with a few details and instructions. Hopefully that will be what you're looking for. If not, let me know!

  • Clare
    July 20, 2008 at 10:12 AM  

    Michie-Its rough not having a home. We lived with family for 9 chaotic months. It took us 2 years to find a home in our price range on one income. It takes a lot of patience but it really does pay off. Your daughter just needs to know that you will always be there for her, no matter what the circumstances. This is a huge time to grow, and I see all the activities you do together, and that is far more important than having her own room or toys! Best of luck, from a mom who was in your shoes less than 3 months ago!

  • mysteryhistorymom
    July 21, 2008 at 8:09 PM  

    Michie- I just wanted to let you know that Katie got Paige's package! She loves everything and is in love with the little pig! She calls him Plumpy.:) She has been having a ball with the scented bubbles and can't wait to make the ice cream in a bag! Thanks so much for everything! Lori

  • Chrissy
    July 21, 2008 at 10:34 PM  

    All I can do is echo everyone else's sentiments. I will be praying for your inner peace over your situation. I think that focusing on your blessings, as you are, is probably one of the best things one can do in such situations where things just seem hopeless. Many hugs to you.

  • LifeatTheCircus
    July 23, 2008 at 3:28 PM  

    Awh! I just read this post after reading your post on the stain class craft ideas and I first of all want to say, "YOU ARE NOT A BAD MOTHER!" I was thinking when I read your stain glass post, "Wow, what an awesome mom she is, doing all those crafts with her little girl!"
    Good job looking on the positive side and focusing on what you have to be grateful for, not an easy task when things are going the way you liked. What an excellent role model you are for your little girl.
    Keep on pressing on!!

  • Anonymous
    July 27, 2008 at 1:53 PM  

    You know, I just found your blog and I want to offer you encouragement. I'm so sorry you're going through this difficult time right now. I understand more than you know how frustrating and scary it can be to be between places, and to not know what's going to happen or where you're going to end up next. Hang in there. (((hugs)))


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