Thursday, July 17, 2008
Things are not going well.
In March we discovered that our landlord was selling our house and we needed to be out by May 15th.
We found a house we liked, and put in an offer. The bank was involved with the house and had to approve our offer. We found out it could be awhile. So we waited, and waited.
Memorial Weekend we had a marathon cleaning and packing session, filling a POD with most of our belongings. We had to leave several pieces of furniture behind, and we threw away quite a bit. We'd become overrun with clutter, and the whole process was very emotional.
Afterward, we moved into the third floor apartment of my sister-in-law's home and waited for the bank.
Last week the bank came back with a counter offer - $70,000 over what the owners had listed it for. We don't have that. The house isn't worth that.
This past Saturday we went out and found a new place we like. We were getting ready to make an offer today, when the mortgage guy calls and says there's a problem. Seems he was looking at our file and needed to update it because it's been a few months. The market is changing, he says, and he's not sure we'll still be approved for a mortgage. A few hours later we find out we aren't approved - but we would be if I made a couple thousand more a year.
I feel like doors are being slammed in my face wherever I turn and I don't know why. I've been telling Paige that we are looking for our new house, that we are going to find her a room (she didn't have her own room before) that we can decorate with Ariel. She's been excited to find it and excited to get her toys out of the Pod.
I think she'd be fine living here with her family, but she doesn't understand why if we are in our new place, why we can't get her things. I just keep telling her the new house isn't ready yet. After I hung up with the mortgage guy tonight I broke down into tears - sobs, actually. I feel like a failure as a mother. I shouldn't have told her I'd find her own room. I can't take care of my family. These are some of the fears that I choked out to Michelle while I cried.
I know I should be grateful. We are all together. We are healthy, we are happy, we have a roof over our heads, even if it isn't the one we imagined. I know I am very lucky to have family who could and did help us out. But it is still hard, and I keep fighting back tears whenever I think about it. I'm not sure what's going to happen to us.
I've heard of gratitude journals, where you jot down something you are grateful for that day, large or small. I've also seen this done on several blogs. I've also seen a few blogs post lists of things that makes the blogger happy. I've been thinking for awhile that I would like to start making some happy/grateful posts. I wonder if I'll be better about typing these things up then I would be about writing them in a notebook. We shall see.
In any event, here's the first thing I am grateful for. I am grateful for this little girl who came upstairs while Momma was sobbing. I am grateful for this little girl who sat in my lap with her Taggie blanket and Brown Bear, hugging me while I cried. I am grateful for this little girl who told me I was going to be ok.
I love you so much, my beautiful little girlie. I am so happy and grateful to have you with me.